I'm really into asian looking animals
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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