dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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