he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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