you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
