Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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