apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
