I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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