he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
