but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
