He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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