Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
