Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
