I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
