I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize