did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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