thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize