yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
