dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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