We tried having a conversation with our noses.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
