His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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