He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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