Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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