Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
