My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
