even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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