My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
