Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
