Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize