I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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