Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
