Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
