At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
