Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
