Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
