ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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