Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
