We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
