If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize