It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
