Four minutes until I can fart!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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