Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
