Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
