I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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