I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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