Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
