Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
