just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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