Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
