My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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