Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
