Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
