You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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