If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
