why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
