we're chasing vodka with high fives
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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