Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
