i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
