you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
