I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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