we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
