I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
