your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
