Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
