Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
